I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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