why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
