we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm getting married
To pizza
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
