OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
