I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
