Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
