Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
