I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
