evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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