Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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