just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize
