All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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