maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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