My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
