It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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