Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
