My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
