omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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