My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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