2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
