I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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