On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
