I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
