i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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