yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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