Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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