Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
