Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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