I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
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Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
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The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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