if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
