so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
And then my night got REAL pukey
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
