Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize