yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
