How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
