Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
