Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
How's work?
Spinning.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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