remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
