He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
