i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
