I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
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And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
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I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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