i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
