If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
It's just like the Real World with babies
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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