Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
