I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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