I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
