Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
