my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
