I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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