I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
