the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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