there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
