addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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