come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
