he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
