Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
