i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Come on in and take your pants off
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