Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
