we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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