If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
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