Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
